Negotiable

It has been a busy few days but a sick child does slow down a person's agenda. Although I haven't opportunity to run lately the idea of relationships has come to mind.

At times when one enters a relationship and the idea of expectations may come up. Various thoughts might be "Friday nights are just for us", "we will have sex on the third date" or "the guy is going to pay for everything". Sometimes these are discussed early in a relationship, sometimes pre-marital counsellors will discuss "expectations of the marriage" like how is household chores going to be divided, who will look after the finances or how many children will be sought.

The one step that is missed is a layer deeper than expectations. These are the "negotiable" and non-negotiable" terms of the relationships. The quick difference between expectations and non/negotiable terms is expectations are most often conscious decisions and desires. The other is often a belief that the world and relationships operate in a predetermine, but not necessarily understood or thought out, ordinance.

The negotiable terms are those that have importance to the individual and they would like support with these beliefs but they are not set in stone. Discuss around these thoughts are possible and there is some flexibility. Some example could be to what degree both partners work, the discipline of children and how much time one partner engages in a particular hobby. The more negotiable terms within the relationship the more the relationship can withstand. As with life, the relationship will endure various stresses and having two people coming together in discussion regarding what is going on will allow the relationship to weather the storm with much more ease.

On the other hand there are "non-negotiable" terms. These are the deal breakers. Examples could also include remaining faithful or financial stability. The more non-negotiable terms to the relationship the more fragile that relationship is going to be as it is less flexible. As pressure mounts in the relationships these non-negotiable terms are more likely to break.

In both cases as people mature and progress through life terms may migrate between what is negotiable and non-negotiable.

The problem that both terms cause to relationships is they are rarely discussed. The negotiable terms may indirectly get discussed throughout the life of a relationship. The deal breakers on the other hand may come up without either person prepared. Should this occur and there is silent agreement between the couple, the relationship continues without issue. If it is a matter for one and viewed as a negotiable term for the other this may produce some stress on the relationship but generally the relationship is able to endure. However there are times when the couple is at polar opposites to what is considered non-negotiable. This spells the end, even if the couple does not formalize this.