Good Day

Had a blast with twenty friends last night. There was a lot of great food and so many laughs. It is good to connect with old friends, the connections don't simply die. It was interesting that some people don't seem to "fit" with the group as perhaps they once did though. They were on the edge looking in, having little to say and little impact on the group.

Today I went for a 17 k run. It felt good to be out there and the k's just seemed to melt beneath  me. Unfortunately my Garmin ran out of juice so I wasn't able to record my run. Afterwards the girls and I headed off to Costco where I got a home theater system! Just waiting for one more cable and I will find out how capable I am at putting together a system, truthfully a friend helped me so I will take partial credit.

Tonight it will be movie and some fun appies with a glass of wine. It has been a good day!

New Trails

Went for a great long run yesterday. There is something invigorating with the discovery of new routes and trails. Running in the woods with fallen leaves, bright sun, the smells and hearing the encouragement of other runners pushed me on to greater lengths. It was a good run yesterday.

Epic Party!

So we finally had the party. A bunch of us came and partied the night away dressed in whatever attire suited our fancy. I went as Nacho Libre. It was funny because my potbelly slide down and it looked more like I had stuffed my shorts, which I guess I did. A friend of ours couldn't look at me without blushing, it was too funny. Suz was a little concerned how comfortable I was in tights!

There was lots of laughs and it was a great time. I certainly hope that this continues like our exclusive New Years party!

Thanks for the great time everyone and who knows when Nacho may strike again!

Running

Not much to say. Life has been busy and there has been a lot of thoughts, like how ridiculous it is that in the neighbourhood in which I live people will actually drive 2 blocks to visit a friend, take kids to school, go to a birthday party or attend church.

Anyway. Training right now is incredible. I don't know if it is the lack of pressure, the ease of pace, the different routes or a better frame of mind but it feels like I can run forever. I am not hurting, at least while I run. I have run 33.5 k this week alone and it has been great.

Birthday

Well it's my birthday and I have a day filled with fun and good people.

I have noticed repeatedly how I am getting slower, getting fatter, getting balder, getting wrinkled, getting spider veins...and the list just seems to grow. As a youth I would shake my head at the men and women who attempted, in vain I might add, to slow the aging process through all sorts of ways and means. Now I find myself longing to return to my youth where I didn't have to pee throughout the night, it didn't hurt to walk down the stairs and if I stayed up past midnight I wasn't wrecked for the next week. I tell you a little red convertible is just around the corner...well maybe a Honda Shadow with me in full leathers.

It is also getting more difficult to have hope for tomorrow. I was challenged last week with my focus on what has been rather than what is to come. Without a forward looking perspective one lives in regret instead of in  hope. It is easier living focused on the past, but I am starting to see that such life view takes an incredible toll on one's spirit. Perhaps this is what furthers the aging process the fastest?

In many ways age is a great thing and I am proud to be where I am. But it is the markers of my own mortality that can weigh heavy. So my goal is to look into what is to come. To begin to plan and prepare for the voyage that is set in front of me and to let go of that which has been.

The other day my daughter told me I smell like Jesus.

Finished!!

Well my run is done. My training paid off, although I am sure if I had more time I would have finished faster and stronger, those last few km were a challenge. The winner of the 55+ age group did the 15 in 56 minutes! I did 10 in 54, I guess I need to work a little harder.

Spending the morning and afternoon was fun too, however I have moved to the dark side with a pair of Lululemon pants. The weather was great and we a lot of fun.

Lifted

Well not too surprising, I am a little sore this morning. Went for a long run yesterday after work with my brother-in-law. I think and different times both of us thought we had had it! I should have walked longer after the run to move the lactic acid along though. It was such a great feeling of accomplishment for me. I was skeptical that I could manage this run, the longest since my half marathon back in March. The route was also not one of my favorites. Following the run we had family over for great appies and a couple of drinks.

It was a good Friday night and I feel lifted.

tuckered

Well I am attempting to push my training into high gear, since I am short on time. I am not sure if I will be able to complete this race though. I worry about injuring myself with such short breaks between runs. I also notice how much slower I am. My break has really cost me.

Following my run I canned peaches and picked blackberries with my girls. None of them were pleased about this job but I am sure that they will enjoy the fruits of their labour.

It has been a very tiring ten days

Priming the Pump

One of the themes that I target in a group I run, is on motivation. People who are depressed struggle with energy and motivation, which as it happens are both need in recovery. So one of the illustrations used is “priming the pump”, doing an activity regardless of how we feel will result in an increase in energy and desire.


So I was walking one night, think how little I felt about running when it dawned on me that I was such a hypocrite. I was doing the very thing that my clients were doing/saying. Giving reasons on why I should stay stuck. So as Providence would have it, I was guilted into running in a upcoming race. I haven’t run in a some time, nearly four weeks. I have run twice now this week. The first run was agonizing. And I was sore the following day. However yesterday I felt strong and went longer. I primed the pump and my confidence for this run has been greatly increased.

I have a long way to go but I know that my new runners and I will get the distance covered. It feels good out there pounding the pavement and there is a peace that comes with doing the longer runs.

Anyways, I have some plans for various runs upcoming and now with brother-in-law moving in the area I have a running partner, maybe :-)

It is finished

Well what should have taken an afternoon rather than three days is now done. This is not a pretty gate but I guess it is practical.

I am not sure what my next project will be but perhaps I will wait a few year before embarking on another project that will inevitably cause me to lose my salvation and my temper.

Oh and Inception is a movie that will blow your freakin' mind.

Why

I do not know why I bother. My construction career is a comedy of errors and no one is laughing. Particularly me. The day started with me cracking my newly poured cement foundation. My measurements failed to take into account the width of three f***ing posts and despite what the Rona guy says, toe-nailing is not a simple task! If my fence/gate could talk it would quote Esquelelo saying "I am hideous!". I attempted to say 'mucho take it easy', but it was no use, it does look hideous.

I have lost more than my salvation today. However I will have some help tomorrow, I just need to go out and buy more supplies; which may or may not include more cement.

Building

Well it is G-day. That would be gate building day. My hope is that in the next two days I will have erected (heehee) a small fence a gate and that it won't need to be de-constructed and rebuilt by someone else!

I have hit a small snag already. Not knowing that there was two drainage pipes running along the house, one a matter of a few inches below ground level. I have punctured a pipe. I am sure I will be able to repair it and nothing will be lost.

I am excited for the challenge and keeping those who shouldn't be in my yard, out of my yard!

birthdays

Well It is my sister's birthday today. So I made her a cake. I can't remember the last time I baked someone a cake, but it is enjoyable. She wanted something simple, a chocolate cheesecake. I did add a couple of twists and it turned out well so I look forward to sharing it with others.

I realize it is a simplistic posting. But baking is one of the pleasures I get from life.

I also look forward to this air getting a thorough cleaning.

outie

Simple Pursuits

As I gather my thoughts for this posting I am aware that I may become tangential. I hope you who are reading will be able to follow my thoughts.

I have recently returned from Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth. I am not embarrassed to say I thoroughly enjoy my time. We got in as many rides as we wanted, the weather was fabulous and I was so impressed with how courageous my girls were! They went on every ride that their height allowed them to go on, including Tower of Terror and California Screamer. I too had never been on any kind of ride so it was fun to try new experiences. The shows were really cool to. They put on this water and light show that was both beautiful and amazing.

However, as I waded through the throngs of people a clear message was identified, waste. Everywhere I looked I say gluttony, in that I mean ones preoccupation for consuming abundance. Everyone wears Volcom, Aeropostale and Hollister; conformity was the norm and I had little desire to follow suit. What I am going to do with my orange hoody I am not sure.

Wheelchairs and motorized scooters were everywhere. Not because of infirmity but because of the obesity and laziness of the masses. You could even rent extra large chairs to manage one's rapid expansion of girth. This did not stop people from double fisting corn dogs and churros.

Also, one's need to tech gadgets left my head shaking. IPhone, IPads as well as other electronics were everywhere. The point beings is one's need to further accumulate more and not being content with what we have.

I realize I do not live to the ideals I wish. I wish for a minimalist existence, as I watch TV on my plasma television. I sit at my computer and rail against the conforming populations only to later don my Gap t-shirt. We are a society of gatherers. We don't take what we need, we take what we want. We, seemingly, forget about daily budgets. We spend with the pursuit of something bigger and better, only to later realize that there still is something better to purchase. We look for and pine for brand names as our closets bulge like our bellies. I wonder if we have lost our ability to care.

My wish to return to a time where we were satisfied with what we had and our pursuits were simple.

Lamentations

As I was out for a run the other day I began to ponder the value of life and my struggle with meaning. I had just finished the cleanse with hopes of cleaner living and breaking my hedonistic want of food. Following a celebratory meal of beer and pizza I felt positively ill. My head was congested with gastro-upset and my body was achy. This made me realize, yet again, that the human condition is bent on death. It takes work and dedication to transform decay. The extra energy and focus to implement exercise, healthy nutrition and balanced mental health is an unending task. It takes about three weeks of dedication to create a routine. However it takes a matter of days to revert back to an unbalanced lifestyle.


Perhaps to make this more clear. It takes less energy, focus or effort to enter into a lifestyle that brings destruction, such as poor eating habits, increased alcohol consumption, smoking, drug use or poor financial practice. However to begin proper nutrition, exercise and absence/moderation of food and alcohol are difficult to initiate and maintain.

Further to this, I am beginning to see how we are looking for a “prepared” version of God. My struggle with God is in flux, but we live in a society that looks for quick fixes. I wonder if I am looking for the “microwaveable” religious experience. Something that takes little time, no effort or commitment and is cheap as possible. If I can’t get my deity in a brightly package box then I have no time for this. Relationships are on the decline, why would I put in energy to build on a relationship with God then. This would take dedication and am I really prepared for that? It is also presumptuous to tell God that I will accept him on my terms, who am I really?

These thoughts surfaced while I was running. I realized, again, that I am running slower, with shorter runs and having increasing struggles at maintaining even this. I am bent to decay and my efforts to thwart this are failing.

Last Day

Well people ask if I think the cleanse was worth it. I have lost five pounds and sleeping better. I don't feel as bloated either. It is difficult to talk about energy levels since I have been playing play to 10:30 the last few nights, today included! So more recently I have been dead tired but I did notice a change last week. I am certainly tired of the food though. I nearly cried when my family made these great burgers and all I got was rice and patties!

It was also nice to go for a prolonged period without wine or spirits. I don't know if I readily see a difference in the way I feel and I wouldn't do it again alone.

Day 6,7,8

The trip to the Island went well as always. I am finding that the challenge isn't denying myself what I want, it is being happy with what I have. I am getting really tired of rice and oatmeal. There are only so many ways that I have been preparing it and it is quickly becoming drab. I nearly cheated last night just because I couldn't face more rice. A couple handfuls of almonds saved me however.

Although one of the benefits of this cleanse is an improvement to energy they also say that exercise can be hampered. This was certainly true. I went for a fantastic run on the Lockside trail. The weather was glorious and I must have passed over a hundred runners, not to count bikers and walkers and one woman on a scooter. I was struggling after six and ended up having to walk twice. The rest of the day I was laid up as well with a headache and a generally feeling of unwell. My guess is I was quite de-hydrated.

Anyway it is Day 9 now few more days to go. Now my thoughts turn to maintenance.

Day 5

Well the day started with an early morning run. It is way to hot to be running in the evening. One of the cautions of this cleanse is muscle weakness/fatigue. My quads were achy throughout the run which I found surprising. With the amount of traffic I am not sure if morning running will become my new norm though.

I had andropausal cramping throughout the afternoon, just what you want at work. At times it was very painful. I am not sure if it was the many raspberries I ate last night or the rather mountainous glob of humus I had last night that was the culprit. It sucked though.

My energy is still good and I haven't felt nearly as sleepy or drained as I normal am. It does make me wonder what my next steps will be after this cleanse. I like the results and I could probably live without dairy. I don't know if I could live without yeast and flour.  Anyway it was been a good day indeed. Tomorrow I get to re-connect with my family as well, something I am looking forward too!

Day 4

Nearly nothing to report today. Feeling well, energy is good and nearly made it through the day without flatulence! I think I cheated a bit though. I had several handfuls of raspberries tonight. They were so good!

I am getting a bit bored of the diet. One can have only so much brown rice. For dinner tonight I BBQ'd a pork tenderloin and grilled some baby potatoes. Soo good.

One other thing i have noticed though, I am drinking considerably less coffee. I am not even drinking one mug in the morning. I am having no trouble with removing bread or sugar from the diet. But I am craving salt. I made some kick ass humus and ate that as a snack tonight.

Anyway that was my day, besides teaching diaphragmatic breathing to a group of individuals who couldn't care less!

The end of Day 3

When the "healing Crisis" was most difficult to manage, but by 1:00 I was through the worst. Funny thing is I got about 4 hours of sleep last night but I feel good and energetic! I even went for a run this afternoon, sans water unfortunately.

Things are looking up!

Day 3

Day 3 has not started out well. This cleanse indicates that initially one will experience various symptoms as the body releases the toxins stored in the body. I have been up since 3:30 am with a pounding headache, nausea and body chills. I feel like I am detoxing from heroin. I know that this is something that I must get through but it is hard right now when I feel like I am clearly dying.

Day 2

Well the day didn't start great. Nausea set in pretty good. But by 10 I was rolling. I felt more affected this evening. I played horribly at ball and I feel headachy right now. I made falafel but for some reason skimped on the seasonings...mmmm tasteless balls. The lemon tahinni helped.

Anyway I am beat and I don't feel good right now. The program must be working!

Day 1

Well I am stumped. Why is it that the makers of supplements have no other choice but to make foul tasting pills? And I have to take twelve plus sixty drops of something else.

Anyway. Breakfast consisted of a savory oatmeal. Lunch more oatmeal and hard boiled eggs. Dinner was roasted chicken, brown rice, roasted veggies and a peach salsa that I will certainly be adding to my repertoire of cooking.

Physically I haven't done too badly, I shall spare those details. I have been having hot flashes during the day which have been rather odd.

The kitchen is a mess and I so wish there was someone else to clean it up!

Let's see how tomorrow goes

A challenge

Well I have been convinced. A colleague with whom I work with has gently painted a thought of a healthier way to live. Through the reading I have recently done, she sounds bang on. It would appear as though the human body has difficulty processing yeast, dairy, sugar and flour. These build up in our systems and makes them sluggish. Sluggish is something that I have known for sometime now. It is also a perspective that looks at food as something more than simply fuel to the body. Food impacts our body in possibly several different ways. So I am challenged to do a D-Tox.

Starting on Sunday, I am riding my body of that which should not be, according to its authors anyway. Out with food items that yeast, sugars, flour and dairy. I have my supplements and my meal plans. Toxins out!

On a sad note it means I must also abstain from any alcohol for twelve days. Pray for me!!

Sunday's

What a day. Church, Block Party, Mini Golf, Park, BBQ. What a day. I was looking forward to a run that I didn't get to do. But there is tomorrow and I have it off so maybe. I also became a new uncle today. My sister had her first daughter, what a welcomed addition!

Anyway, it is late for kids to be up, I am a sheet or two to the wind and the sun is out. This has been a weekend to remember.

Pokey

I went for a run today. As it turns out, what was once a warm up run is now my long run. Anyway. AS I was returning home a $%@ gravel truck drove by me so close it actually blew the hat right off my head. Not cool.

If you are unwell and are needing a boost, check out the following link. It may provide a solution.
http://www.iamlost.com/features/lab/

Enjoy the weekend, when will the sun come out!

what a day!

There is nothing like being told off which the suggestion of you suck! That's not really how my day started. It started with someone who has hopes of ICBC paying them big bucks by pretending to be depressed. Problem was it is hard to be depressed when you are grinning ear to ear and telling your therapist you can't wait to get some action. Are you freakin' kidding me??!! Then came prison dude with more tattoos then beads on a rosary. He too is depressed except when the sun is shining and when his therapist tells him there is a wait to see the psychiatrist. Then it is time to blame the world for his hardships. (forget about the man he killed, people he smuggled drugs for as well as the other assaults he is credited for. The afternoon was ripe for criticism.

The evening things changed. I lead a group for eating disordered individuals. These women spoke of the heart aches they experience as they invest in their eating disorder. How they feel shame and no sense of worth as they vomit. How they wish they had the value media tells them they are missing. Truly, from the broken lives are touched.

Twelve hours of therapy does not do a body good

Cheers (literally)

Growth

I learnt a couple of things this weekend. A ninja's weakness is his forehead. A rhubarb recipe should be followed as creative deviation sometimes fails. Old Spaghetti Factory is a poor restaurant. And a hike through the forest in the rain is fun, even if you are four years old.

It has been a good weekend. Time spent in the garden, went for a run and a neighbour popped of for beer-o'clock. I wish yesterday's weather could have been extended, but I will still take the fun I did have. A good weekend it was!

Wing night

Ahhh, found the best way to make chicken wings. There is nothing like sucking succulent carcass off some bones. The man in me wants to roar and beat my chest. Unfortunately it means deep frying the wings, which means this is a meal that won't be served often. Friday night meals are the best meals though.


All should fear the hippy Zorro. His kind comes out only at night. Woman can't resist him and men envy him. He is wild, untamable and somewhat hairy.

Forget singing, I'm playing in the rain

Well I am about to head out to Bradner to play some ball. Yep it has just rained 5 inches and hailed some. I will be playing in a rubber poncho and gum boots, but I will still make it look good!! We have missed the last couple of games because of the weather I guess they are concerned that we won't get all the games in.  Play on they say.

I will see how it goes.

Below is a pic that was taken a Lynn Valley. Brie lept from a rock about ten feet high, was was probably ten feet away. I think it is pretty cool how how a little one can put her trust in someone else. If only I could follow suchan example.

Is it the end of the world as we know it??

It is curious. The end of the world is often talked about, and as often dismissed. People have been talking about the apocalypse since the death of Christ, if not longer. But as one looks around at the signs and events around the world, I wonder if the timing is nearing the doorstep. There is financial ruin spreading throughout Europe and North America, the two continents that hold much of the world’s wealth. Wars are occurring in Iraq and Afghanistan. But what about North Korea, Thailand, Iran, Mexico and Columbia? Violence is spreading throughout the globe through terrorism, drug wars, civil unrest or religious/ideological conflict. There are volcanic eruptions that are major disruptions, floods, fires, earthquakes, oil spills, virus pandemics and global warming.


I am not sure how much more the Earth can take. We live in a troubled time and I am concerned with what is around the corner. Personally, this puts a lot of irritations into perspective.

rain

Man is it pouring outside. I haven't healed from my last grueling run, I think I am re-injuring that hammy. However it is fun to run in the rain and I do wish I could have been running rather than simply walking. A run refreshes me, but a run in the rain is something else, it is invigorating.

It is also a chance for the veggies to take hold a grow. I have to admit that I am sad that my blueberries are not going to produce much this year, I am not sure why.

Anyway it is just a list of thoughts that have come from walking in the rain.

Summer Sun

What a beautiful day. spent the day in the yard: weeding, mowing, planting and just enjoying the sun. Now I have a roast on the BBQ with some baby potatoes and grilled veggies. Tonights going to be a good night! I can't can't to eat.

Hope the sun was enjoyed by everyone. Tomorrow is the Oak Bay half. I wish I was there. I have lost my distance legs with my break, but I am working back to it.

Spring Glory

The night couldn’t have been much better. I was playing ball out in Bradner, the sun was warm, there were only a few clouds in the sky and the game was great. It was a close game but going into the bottom of the 7th we were down 15-9. We ended up tying the game. As I drove home the country side looked awesome; bathed in a dusky sun. I could have stayed out there all evening.


I arrived to a spaghetti dinner and warm banana bread. The summer is coming and I am jacked!

Oh dear

After a few comments perhaps I should clarify: I am not an alcoholic and I am not overwhelmed with life. I just have a tendency to become a bit excited in my descriptions at times.

I enjoy my work, in spite of it's busyness. I enjoy my family and my friends...usually. Perhaps I should stick to philosophical babble.

Enjoyed the garden today and got in the veggies. Brie even helped me plant and pull weeds. She was funny without realizing she was planting green onions and she poked a spider. After I told what happened she looked pretty smug. It was priceless!

Enjoy mother's day

Searching for the cure

There are good days and there are difficult days. These past days have been more difficult. Life is often stressful with various day to day activities. Things like work, relationship, and finances all have an impact on a person. But when chronic pain is added it makes the ordinary unbearable. The constant ache of shoulders, neck and head is also very tiring and there is little escape from it.


I realize that it has raised eyebrows in the past. But alcohol is an effective “number”. It dials down the over stimulation of work challenges, grief, loss and pain. It is easy to see how one’s way of coping through the use alcohol can become detrimental. Limiting such use is paramount but finding an effective substitute is even more difficult.

I worry, if at this age these are the challenges that are faced. What will the fifties, sixties and beyond look like. Especially when chronic use of NSAID and anti-inflammatory are discouraged.

Go Canucks GO

Trip into Vancouver

I headed into Vancouver yesterday to see my “physiologist”. As I was driving I was mulling over the idea of absolutes and relativism. We live in an era that preaches tolerance and discards responsibility. Today we aren’t able to have an opinion, what we can have are loose associations that don’t offend. There is a growing restlessness among the masses and I for one believe that it is because of a loss of identity. I am not switching gears here. When one has an idea of how the world works they then have an idea of how they fit in the world. When we can’t make sense of the world how can we make sense of ourselves? When we say that there are no absolutes we have no measure in which to work with. I believe this is at the root of the anxiety and restlessness.


Anyway at the end of the day all the physiologist offered were stronger pain meds and told me my posture needs work. The meds haven’t helped yet.

I was going to name this blog the "Running Therapist", it is good that I haven't. I haven't run now for nearly two weeks. This morning I was determined to go out for a run, then I looked outside. It was a bloody typhon! Losing my motivation to go I decided to hit the treadmill. Treadmills suck. But I pulled through, gasping and wheezing like an old fart.

Well it is a new ball season and again I am faced with my failing age. I believe I have cracked the tip of my pinkie and did something else to the knuckle. There is a constant ache, especially when the weather turns.

I have descovered that I can't be a rosey glasses kind of guy. The world does not allow me to live like that.

In a Postmordern world, what does "God is love" even mean and is it applicable.

Forgive the randomness of babbling old man. Hope there is excitement that comes your way.

A sunny Sunday

There are many things gratifying about a sunny Sunday. It is more than the sum of it's parts too. I am not sure if it is the carefree mindset, the desperate chase of rest knowing what is to come or the simple peace knowing that it is Sunday. In any case the day has been spent outside, pulling weeds, reading on the swing, powerwashing the swing and playing catch with my daughter. It leaves me feeling well. I think I could spend every day like this, only then it would be without the same meaning and I would feel a loss.

I did not start the day well, my wife can attest to this. However I am static, I evolve and now I am going over and have a neighbourhood bbq with several neighbours, simply to cap off what has been a glorious day.

I think my arms has a slight reddishness to it too! Hope you enjoyed yours too.

Ahhh the warmth

Crazy, two posts in a single day, but I have to say working the soil and reading on my swing have such a renewing of mind and body, at least for me. Nothing deep here.  Working compost into the garden and feeling the warm sun was so relaxing. I have also just made a pizza dough in preparation for a pizza night and now I am about to head out to grab some toppings. I think veggie may be in store for me (I make enough dough so each of us can create our own). Articoke hearts, olives, spinach, sun dried tomatoes, maybe some feta and mushrooms! Man I am hungry just thinking about it. Perhaps a pitcher of mojitos is also in order :o)

Two side notes: if you are interested in reading a different sort of book check out "a complicated kindness". Other note, I thought my neighbours were nosiy. Another family just moved in two doors down with five children...quiet has since left this world.

Enjoy the sun!

Spring

I have noticed that the last few weeks, maybe even months I have been dark, miserable and just not pleasant to be with. I tended to focus on the difficulties of life - be that work, relationships or weather! The thing is, when you feel like you are surrounded in misery; misery is all you see and ultimately feel.

I don't really care for spring, but with that said, spring on the West coast is certainly different than in the prairies. I am excited to get my garden in and I am planning to plant different veggies this year. My apple tree has more blossoms an I can count and my rhubarb is taking off! It is a new ball season and I am on a new team in a highly competitive league.

Work continues to be a difficult place to be and I could really use a few months off. But with that said, I am finding my workplace to be increasingly more supportive. I need to learn to relax and slow down my place, lower my expectations of myself and those around me.

It is unlikely this "dark horse" is taking a ride on a pretty unicorn through rainbow land. But It is up to me to get my head out of the muck. There is light out there and I need to start training myself to see it.



The day is gorgeous, I am not sure how it will be spent but I will enjoy what comes my way.

Hope...less

I went for a fantastic run on Wednesday night. The kind of run that is invigorating rather than draining. The rain was pouring, there was a little wind and I just felt strong. It was during this run that I was very nearly hit head on. The white SUV actually drove out of it’s way to come at me and narrowly missed me. Funny thing was I paid little attention to this a kept on running. The run ended, I felt great but I again rubbed my nipple nubs down to nothing!


I still struggle, some times more than others, with the concept of God and his love for me. I am told he is there waiting and that he never leaves. Then why is it when I am in such a dark place he does not turn to take hold of me, restore me, comfort me. All I am is alone.

Wednesday was a hard day at the office. There has never been so much work and people are often less than kind. On that particular day I was told how F***ing useless I was, repeatedly. There were other phrases but they just get drowned out in the roar.

Hope is a glimmer that keeps man fighting to move forward. The spark does not need to be bright; but there needs to be something. It is hard to maintain hope when all around one sees futility and experiences despair.

In a Postmodern world, is faith to be actualized or simply chased after like a child after a bubble.

Spiritual Masturbation

The intention with such a title is not to invoke aggressive response. It is something that I thought about while I went out for a short run yesterday in sunny Victoria.

We well understand the idea of self stimulation. But we also know those people who use spiritual walk as there own personal stimulation. Gone is the idea for a personal relationship between the individual and Christ. Rather, they go to the proper meetings, say the right phrases/prayers or even get the right degrees but by all appearances the only one that is lifted up is the individual. Religious practice is done out of a need to complete the act, not in order to connect with God or those around them. These individuals are driven usually by guilt and have poor self worth. The way they feel better is by "stroking" ritual until they feel better. However, since they are alone, they must repeatedly come back to the church in order to feel better.

I understand the term is graphic and not all agree or appreciate the metaphor. People seem to struggle with calling a spade a spade these days.

Passover

How I wish now I had taken the oppertunity to snap a picture of the meal. There is a message behind the roast veggies, potatoe kugel, roast lamb and candels. Passover is more than the sum of its parts and much of my joy is slowing going through the imagery and feeling the joy and the sorrow of what transpired so long ago. A wish I have is to celebrate the Passover feast in Israel, Perhaps one day.

I believe the girls understood the message behind passover and hopefully understood it to be more than a simple story and a dinner as simply tradition. I can't imagine what it would have been like for the Israelites that night. How did they know to paint their post and lintel, did the message get out to each and every family, were there families who didn't believe...

Anyways it was a joy to celebrate and I enjoy so much of the passover foods.

There is freedom in Passover ... may each of you find freedom

End of a weekend

Well as weekends go this one went far too fast. Thankfully the weather was so nice out yesterday, so prior to going into Surrey I went for a run. The run was great although I am really noticing that my allergies are really bad and I find myself gasping for air a lot! But the 9 k run was beautiful and I did it in okay time, 49 minutes. I put a pic at the bottom of this post to show what state my toe is in. For some reason most won't even look at it :o)  Oh and in the one of me running, see if you can find one of the great mysterious of life!!

My swing is now up and I wishes I could be swinging away and contemplating life, if only the weather would allow for it.

Otherwise Passover is coming in two short days and I have a meal to prepare. I think I will make a kugel again, not sure if I should do a potatoe or noodle though.

May all of you find the security that Passover is
outie

Family Day

It has been a while since my last post. Life has been hectic and way too full. Running will be on the back burner or a week or two as well while I recoup from my last, most pitful, race.

I spent the day baking, looking at houses and playing some wii games with the family. Below is a pic of the cake Brie and I made, it was kick ass by the way, Coconut Chocolate with Coconut Drizzle.

Sad Eyes

Well the Women's hockey team knows how to get done, I am really looking forward to the Men's game. Hopefully they will be able to follow the ladies lead. I think it is funny that the women got their hands slap for their celebration on the ice. Let the girls have some fun! That's what I say anyway.
The weather sucks outside and tomorrows long run(20 K) may be very miserable. Also my eye issues have returned which furthers my misery.

Go Canada Go!!

Olympics

Spent the day traveling to, throughout and from Vancouver yesterday. I have to say that it was pretty cool being surrounded by so much excitement and ethnicity. I could hear the languages of various countries, I could see the fun written on the faces of those around me and I got to experience some of that fun too at the pavillions. I even got to see a man riding a unicycle in green tighty-whities!

The downside were some very sore feet and hungry bellies. It also would have been nice if the lines were a little shorter, but hey it gave us more oppertunity to people watch.

I am glad I took the time and went to see the little bit that I did. Besides I am going to be paying for it for years to come!!

Boy's Weekend!

Thirty-four minutes and counting! It's a boy's weekend away. One that may be filled with the fun and excitement of someone far younger than I. Looking forward to runs along the Pacific, nights out and who knows, perhaps a "spa" treatment.

It is time to recoup and rest. The weather rocks too...so excited

Openning

Our Federal and Provincial government forgets; I am not Aboriginal, First Nations, Native, or Indian. I am Canadian.


Much of tonights performance was lost on me, a Canadian. The native dance and art, K.D. Langs poor rendition of song and trapeze boy flipping through the Prairies. However the fiddling and tap was top notch and the poet was incredible. The song “I believe” is moving too.

It was embarrassing as well that we couldn't get our cauldron up, is that not demonstrating again our symbolic impotence!

May the games begin!

fatigue is growing

It feels like it has been weeks since my last entry. It is astonishing how busy and tiring life can get. It also makes it difficult to pretentiously ponder the mysteries of life. Today I have nothing.

I did discover a great pear and blue cheese salad that really was out of this world.

may the wind be at your back today

New Day

I wonder if this would be an overstatment; misdirected passion is terrorism. Terrorism is likely seen as suicide bombers and varies forms of extremism. But on a smaller note, when one or more people have a belief that something is desired and they go to lengths to see it realized, whether this is done through toxic conversations or other forms of passive agression, is this not forcing their agenda on the whole? It is this "forcing" that I see as terrorism.

I have spent a week with others who are not satisfied with their working environment. Change has been offerred and significant changes have followed. However the resistence is fatiguing. People not looking at others in the eye and backroom discussions of resentment and pouting occur. It is discouraging and it sucks.

Anyway in a few short hours Iwill be off to run an 18 k run. I hope to do it under 1:45.

It is a new day and the sun is shining!

Downer

It's a new day and I certainly wish I was running now, rather than the pitiful run I did last night. It was a beautiful day yesterday. I don't know if it was the sour work environment coupled with the cold and miserable evening adding to the tight ham and calfs, but last night's run tanked. I am running another long run Saturday afternoon and I hope the weather is beautiful and I have an attitude change. Right now a half seems out of my league.

Someone has already undoubtedly said it but, the mettle of a relationship is not found when at peace but during conflict or crisis. I have discovered this is true not only in personal relationships but also work relationships. It is easy to have fun dialogue with workmates. How quick people become cold and standoff'ish when what they want is thwarted.

My frustration now is attempting to offer something different to those who are afraid of change.

Runnin' in the Rain

I went for a long run this morning. As I was beginning I started to think about some of the running material I had recently finished. One of the points an author had made was running a negative split. For those who aren't familar with such a term it simply means taking a slow first half and increasing your pace for the second half of your race/run.

I thought to myself that I should start off slow. It's raining, I'm cold, there was a lot of K to cover. I had best take it slow. The second half I could bump it up a notch.

I soon realized that life is run many times at a slow shuffle. We conserve ourselves for later, when we might really need the energy. It seems though, we never really find the need to stop conserving and start pushing. Pushing is a lot of work, it is scary and definitely not comfortable.

So I did push it and I have decided it's time to do a few things that will cause me to grow. One is signing up for another half which will be taking place in a few weeks another is applying for a job. I don't really know what will come out of all of this but there is one thing I do know. I did my run today in record time!!

Stop saying you are going to increase the pace, let's see you pick it up.

I have to admit a mistake in the last post. There should have been written a "no" in terms of a set definition of perfection. I do not believe there is such a definition anywhere. We are not meant to be perfect.

In regards to harmony and death. Harmony will not save us from death (as opposed to the understanding of perfection and the fight to the enivitable). However should one find harmony, they will live a life of peace that gracefully brings the eventually, rather than a fight. The difference would be the struggle and anxiety that often surrounds those that hope to avoid death.

A quick rant. BC does not need the Olymipics and the tax payers will be paying this off for decades to come. This while VSB lays off 800 teachers! Forget about the cuts to healthcare. Now we find out that Vanoc is paying 23 million for the privellege to rent GM Place. I shake my head at those others elect to lead this provience!

Also please forgive the spelling mistakes. I know that they are there but for some reason I am not able to run a spell check!!

Enjoy your w/e

Standard

The idea of living up to a standard is inherently doomed. When one looks for an ideal they are forgeting about their self and looking towards another's with the aim at becoming them. Again my self loses in this comparison.

I would say there is no set standard. In this case what is good for the goose has nothing to do with the gander. One can argue moral law but this is not what self is really about. I know that I am not to steal or murder. In general terms this is not limiting my self's natural inclination. One may be using their giftings to break such a moral law, but by not doing so we are not limiting the self's expression.

I know we are flawed because there is set definition of perfection within humanity. Someone may look perfect but the next certainly does not live up to the presentation. When we go below the surface we find sickness, deformity and ultimately death. Death would not come so rapidly if our systems were in pefect harmony. Leave a human body and systmes begin to fail (even turning against itself). Further, our inclination is not driven to perfection, our diet is imperfect (too much, not enough, fast food, over dieting, vitamin/mineral deficent ect), little/too much excercise, want what we don't have, want what others do have. The list just continues. To be perfect, in my quick estimation, would look like harmony in the environment, the people, the Creator who is around.

We are flawed because we will never have complete harmony. This is okay though.

 So live with no one else's standard in mind. Desire to know who you are,

Who am I

It has been a week of poor sleep, neck pain and headaches. I failed to find sleep again last night due to the splitting headache which continues to plague me, even now as I ramble. However, I was unable to rest with my mind swimming with the thoughts of "how do I identify myself".

As I have written, the present concept of self esteem is a misnomer. With window dressing hopes we garb ourselves in the image we hope others will find acceptable. However, it is forgotten that when one fails to address the needs within the house the "attractive" window hanging is simply done in vain.

The fundamental need is to identify that "I" am flawed. Simply put, we have never, will never and can ever become loved by all. The first step here is not about doing but about understanding.

When I understand that my abilities have limits, that I am not the most attractive person and I have needs; there is something to work with. Suddenly the pressure is off and the bar becomes realistic. It is a basic statement I realise, but we live in a culture that tells us the opposite. When I am no longer attempting to become the next supermodel or sports hero I can focus on whom I really am and the qualities that make me that person.

Once I discover who I am and what my natural abilities are, then the "doing" becomes necessary. We all have the ability to become better than our "at rest" being. It is here that our esteem begins to grow. As I hone my gifts, with the understanding that perfection or flawlessness is not in pursuit, my self is feed. The continued development of my gifts produces confidence and security. Again, this is anchored in the understanding of who I am without the need of comparison. Once we start comparing who I am to who you are, someone loses. What we lose is esteem.

The parallel concept is the need to be loved by all. Isn't that really what we are after? But we cannot be whole while seeking approval from those around us. Developing me despite the thoughts and opinions of society establishes this confidence and security.

The concept is simple, basic even. It has nothing to do with dress, money, position or hair style. Yet people do not allow themselves to be themselves! How can one become comfortable with their being if what they believe about their being is that it is inadequate.

Please, know yourself.

Sunday afternoon

Nothing like a Sunday in which you can simply relax, go for a long hard run, do some baking and listen to a potato explode in the oven. It has been a good day although cleaning up the potato wasn't really in the master plan.

My daughter has now turned eight and again I feel like the old man in the pic.

Hope one and all had a fantastic weekend.

For anyone who is interested in an easy and great desert.
Pumpkin Pots de Creme
1.5 cups pumpkin (I add a bit more)
4 egg yolks
2/3 cup sugar
.5 tsp Cinnamon and nutmeg (I add more)
2 cups heavy cream (I use 1% milk and throw in an extra yolk)

Mix first two ingredients until creamed, add spices and sugar and blend, add cream.
Have the oven preheated to 325 degrees
pour custard into custard cups or ramkins. Place cups in a casserole dish and pour boiling water into pans until it comes half way up the cups. Bake for 25 minutes. Cool in fridge. Custard will thicken as it cools. Enjoy

Negotiable

It has been a busy few days but a sick child does slow down a person's agenda. Although I haven't opportunity to run lately the idea of relationships has come to mind.

At times when one enters a relationship and the idea of expectations may come up. Various thoughts might be "Friday nights are just for us", "we will have sex on the third date" or "the guy is going to pay for everything". Sometimes these are discussed early in a relationship, sometimes pre-marital counsellors will discuss "expectations of the marriage" like how is household chores going to be divided, who will look after the finances or how many children will be sought.

The one step that is missed is a layer deeper than expectations. These are the "negotiable" and non-negotiable" terms of the relationships. The quick difference between expectations and non/negotiable terms is expectations are most often conscious decisions and desires. The other is often a belief that the world and relationships operate in a predetermine, but not necessarily understood or thought out, ordinance.

The negotiable terms are those that have importance to the individual and they would like support with these beliefs but they are not set in stone. Discuss around these thoughts are possible and there is some flexibility. Some example could be to what degree both partners work, the discipline of children and how much time one partner engages in a particular hobby. The more negotiable terms within the relationship the more the relationship can withstand. As with life, the relationship will endure various stresses and having two people coming together in discussion regarding what is going on will allow the relationship to weather the storm with much more ease.

On the other hand there are "non-negotiable" terms. These are the deal breakers. Examples could also include remaining faithful or financial stability. The more non-negotiable terms to the relationship the more fragile that relationship is going to be as it is less flexible. As pressure mounts in the relationships these non-negotiable terms are more likely to break.

In both cases as people mature and progress through life terms may migrate between what is negotiable and non-negotiable.

The problem that both terms cause to relationships is they are rarely discussed. The negotiable terms may indirectly get discussed throughout the life of a relationship. The deal breakers on the other hand may come up without either person prepared. Should this occur and there is silent agreement between the couple, the relationship continues without issue. If it is a matter for one and viewed as a negotiable term for the other this may produce some stress on the relationship but generally the relationship is able to endure. However there are times when the couple is at polar opposites to what is considered non-negotiable. This spells the end, even if the couple does not formalize this.

Single dad

Well it has been a day to remember. Waking up after a good sleep and enjoying lieing in bed as the day began to infold. Painting, washing, gathering, directing, stretching, dressing and eating. Then it was time for errands.

Christmas is a great time for gift giving. However if a gift received is exactly what was hoped for the return is something else. No one will give you cash. It is all gift cards. I am not afraid to say "Ihave little desire, nor do I see myself shopping at Home Outfitter!" It is just not my store. Add to that that I misread the receipt and I went to Home Sense first thinking they were the same store. Whatever!!

Okay there was some time between the last sentence and this entry. Apparently a four year old and an eight year old struggle to put together a pizza together. I have never seen a pizza with three pieces of meat, a piece of pineapple and almost no cheese. Sure it looks like a face but you are only eating CRUST!!!!!

Okay I am tired, Barbie is to come on shortly and I will take a deep breath and relax.

I am okay now now and I have looked after the pizzas.

outie

Just beat

Wow what a week and it is still only Thursday.There is little buzzing around between these two great ears tonight.

Oh and the picture posted was of me at the end of my last run. I wanted it in thumbnail size but I didn't know how to shrink it.
I will attempt some form of creativity this weekend should the weekend actually arrive.

FEAR

I went for a run tonight. Unfortunately I should have listen to my wife who warned me that I just finished having injections in my neck and perhaps running is not the best idea. Now I am suffering with both neck pain from the run and an upset tummy from the pain meds I took to ease my neck. Life is certanly bleak.

It is this experience that leads me to my next point, fear. As I ran I began to notice without mistake the growing tension along the side of my neck. It wasn't the pain that got my attention though, it was fear. Please understand that for the past four months I have come to understand the vast limits of my life. There are wrinkles forming around my eyes and on the back of my oh so soft hands. I have a hamstring injury that will not heal. My knee, neck and head often aches. I also have to get up in the middle of the night to pee, sometimes more than once! What does this translate too...fear. I am becoming an old man, now destined not to live but die.

Fear is a captivating phenomena. In my practice without question, fear is what limits life to the largest degree without fail. Fear is also the self resurrected boundary placed on self. Understand this? SELF resurrected. I, we do this to ourselves. When we create this fear we create the non-possibility to experience life. One can say that the opposite of life is not death but fear.

With this understood, then can I also see that the fear I have inhibits me from knowing me fully. Fear becomes the focal point of my existence and everything I do is in essence to avoid that which I fear. Life, love, and peace are crowded out and I become more about what I do not want than what I want. I can no longer express self in this manner.

It must also be said though that there is a healthy fear. This fear does not dictate our life but how we manage our life. I know that should I choose to run out on the road a car may in fact hit me. Should this occur I will lose the fight and I, not the car, who will suffer. This knowledge limits me from where I choose to walk but does not limit how I choose to live. Fear that takes over limits our choice to the point that I no longer am living but surviving.

Unique?

I begin with a note of caution. The following is drafted under the influence of pain killers. Early this afternoon I had a painful procedure where I was injected repeatedly down back of my neck with a mixture of cortisol and xylocane. This time the physician gave me a prescription to ease the discomfort I will be feeling for the next fort-eight hours.

To follow the idea presented yesterday on esteem is the idea of individuality. Therapist and the like shout from the mountain about ones' uniqueness and we praise the individual. Then we say "don't stick out in a crowd" or " Don't speak your mind especially if it challenges the social norm". "Wear the same clothes and for all that is good and just make sure your lawn is cut promptly".

Yesterday it was discussed how esteem based on "doing right" is doomed for failure. Today I shall briefly discuss how attempting to be a sheep is degrading to ones' sense of self.

I am unable to differentiate myself from those around me when I simply tote the current ideas and beliefs of the crowd. When I cease to have a voice, that is exercised in what I do, say, think or believe something dies. Sounds overly dramatic no? It's true though. Self dies in the presence of conformity. As all living things, the self needs the opportunity to test its self. Attempting to understand why it believes as it does,= and why its adopting a style of life the way it is. When we are forced to ponder all that is life and step into that mode of living we come to know ourself. It is then that we become an individual and I know where I begin and end and where you begin (the act of self differentiation).

I believe that it is through this process of knowing self where our esteem is feed.

I also realize that many times one may have an idea that is shared by the broad whole. This does not necessarily mean that one should doubt the idea of being an individual. Yet the person needs to understand why it is that they are so ready to adopt this way of being. I think religion is a great example here. It would seem that many people subscribe to a religious ideology. Yet when they are asked or when their behaviour is observed there is an incongruity. Some Muslims say that Islam is a faith of peace, why is it then that there is a group within who seeks violence and destruction? Christianity is no different. Many people subscribe to believing that God exists yet they hold to ideas that are inconsistent with scripture. Anyway I digress.

The beginnings of esteem is knowing ones' self.

Esteem

The manner in which we see ourselves is driven into pop psychology, entertainment and fashion to list a quick few. We live in a culture that tells us if we "do right" then we are okay, perhaps even good. If we dress right, have the right job, earn the right income, live in the right house and drive the right car then we should feel good about our self. Sounds good and easy doesn't it. Unfortunately fads continue to evolve and the Jones' are most difficult to keep up to. This ever chasing ideal is cause for much anxiety. Even if we put anxiety aside, the focus of "doing right" makes the individual an imitator of culture. Identity based on an imitation is limited to the facade and the best one can hope for is a good presentation. We all know that there is little value to imitations. They tend to be fragile, cheap and quickly lose the luster. How different is the individual who's esteem is based on "doing right". Egos are easily damaged, feelings are quickly hurt and most motivation is anxiety based. The very idea of self is in question here because self is not recognized but rather presentation of the person.

The drive to preserve this presentation keeps pop culture alive. For it this desire to shine that continually promotes the need to change and to feel better about one's self. It is my opinion that this is the fundamental error. Our focus is missed place and the result is the crazy making pursuit to find out if we are okay.

There is much more still to say, but I will leave it to another day. Today I shall enjoy the sun and go for a run.

In the Beginning

I am new at this, this being my first blog. I am also sick. Is it a coincident that I happen to create a blog at the same time I am sick? Curious.

I have never really wanted a place on the Internet to divulge the ongoings of my thoughts and desires, so one can wonder why now. The quick answer is I run. When I run I think, which means there are times when I process much. Sometimes I think the thoughts I have are worth the attention of others, other times it would be best if no one knew them :o).

I don't know if this blog will ever get read by someone out there. Perhaps it will and something written here may be thought provoking, startling or simply just interesting. I don't know if thoughts or questions can be posed to me, but if it can be done I would be happy to return the gesture.

Just a final note, my spelling and grammar are inadequate to say the least. I realize this and those reading should too.